Danger 5: Episode 1 - "I Danced for Hitler"

Holy shit.

Danger 5 is a TV show. It’s an Australian-produced TV show (apparently developed by the creators of Italian Spiderman, whatever the hell that is). And that’s really the best I can do. There came a point during Episode 1 (“I Danced for Hitler”) where I started to wonder: what the tits is going on? If you strip Danger 5 to its barest essentials, you have a show about a team of powerful, international secret agents battling against Hitler in the 1960’s. Misadventures and various shenanigans ensue. That’s really giving the story more emphasis than it deserves. I don’t think I’ve adequately covered how unbelievably weird and random Danger 5 is, so I’ll describe the opening sequence as fluidly as I possibly can: a trio of French revolutionary girls watch as Nazi zeppelins steal the Eiffel Tower using one of those retriever claws you find in a Claw Machine. One of the girls kills herself for no apparent reason, and then two Nazis and their talking dog storm the hideout and gun down the remaining two French girls. The dog is their commander, by the way, second only to Hitler himself.

This all happens in the span of a minute. In the following scene, at the Danger 5 HQ, the redheaded British agent, Tucker, plays a chess match against a talking Beckoning Cat (maneki-neko) and loses. Danger 5’s colonel has an eagle for a head. And we still have twenty-three minutes to go.

The narrative in “I Danced for Hitler” involves Danger 5’s efforts to stop the Nazis from taking the Statue of Liberty (and, of course, kill Hitler in the meantime). Today happens to be Hitler’s birthday, and the man who orchestrated the thefts of the Statue of Liberty and the Eiffel Tower (along with dozens of other monuments from across the globe) happens to be none other than Joseph Goebbels, the Minister of Propaganda. Why did he steal all these monuments, you ask? To turn them all into a statue of Hitler, as a nifty birthday present. A big shootout occurs, Hitler manages to escape death by jumping out of a window, and Danger 5 returns home using the Statue of Liberty as a space shuttle. Also, this happens.

If the phrase "A bear playing piano at Hitler's birthday party" doesn't get you at least mildly interested, you are dead inside.

It’s quite a ravaging experience, honestly. It is bizarre, surreal, and absolutely random. In spite of its twenty-four minutes (an episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force contains the same amount of lunacy and absurdity in half that time), Danger 5’s first episode has a creative energy that never, ever flags. The appeal of this show is ultimately subjective. Although that could be said for anything, it’s especially true for something as clinically insane as Danger 5. You either get it, or you don’t get it. The people that get it like this show quite a bit (hence why it was renewed for a second series), and the people that don’t get it? Well, it wasn’t made for them in the first place.

Danger 5 is a perfect example of the shotgun method of comedy. A mass of jokes and gags are thrown at the audience in the hopes that they’ll all work. If Joke A wasn’t very funny, don’t worry, Joke B is coming up in a few milliseconds. There’s enough comedy in Danger 5 to fill about fifty Adam Sandler films (and Danger 5 happens to be funnier than all of them); the wickedly fast timing doesn’t exactly hurt. The pacing does hurt Danger 5 at times; “I Danced for Hitler” veers from inspired to charming to mediocre and then all the way back again, without any kind of discernible pause. The random suicide gag gets funnier each and every time they use it; the bar scene near the beginning is highly amusing. And there is, of course, the eagle-headed colonel.

There’s not much else to say here that I haven’t already said. The cast is surprisingly strong and effective – everyone is amazing in their roles, be it the straight-laced Tucker, the All-American manly man Jackson, the sexual Ilsa, the French-Spanish-Italian-Zimbabwean fun-lover Pierre, or the hapless Claire. The interpretation of Hitler brings to mind the Hitler from Kung Fury (an amazing, 80’s-inspired half-hour film made by David Sandberg), albeit a little more licentious and less concerned with kung fu. The editing and production is fairly slick and charmingly low-key, and the ending theme is kinda nice; I like the organ.

And that’s really all I can say. It is funny, but it is also exhausting. This was a little long at twenty-four minutes (fifteen would have been perfect), and it makes me wonder if the coming episodes will be able to keep up that same kind of quality without becoming shrill and repetitive. Time will tell.

My Top 100 Songs

SO! Let's take a break from the depressing, awful mess that was Angel Beats and move on to a topic I really enjoy discussing - myself! These are my one hundred favorite songs. The last ten or so aren't in any particular order (I don't consider Rope any better or worse than Question; they're equally fantastic) but the ninety before them definitely.

Posts expounding these choices will be uploaded l8r.

100. Clair de Lune – miwa (Rhythm Thief)

99. Brick by Boring Brick – Paramore

98. Street Spirit (Fade Out) – Radiohead

97. A Gentleman’s Coup – Rise Against

96. Satellite – Smash Mouth

95. Frontline – Pillar

94. Hurt – Nine Inch Nails

93. You Know My Name – Chris Cornell (  Casino Royale)

92. Stars – Youngblood Hawke

91. I Need To Know – Frank Wildhorn (Jekyll & Hyde)

90. Komm, Susser Tod – Arianne and Shiro Sagisu (Neon Genesis Evangelion)

89. Brighter Than A Thousand Suns – Iron Maiden

88. Hero of War – Rise Against

87. Chop Suey – System of A Down

86. Lights and Sounds – Yellowcard

85. Vyse’s Theme – Yutaka Minobe, Tatsuyuki Maeda (Skies of Arcadia)

84. Dirty Pop – N Sync

83. The Legendary Theme (Acoustic) – COIL (Gitaroo Man)

82. Pretty Handsome Awkward – The Used

81. Stutter – Marianas Trench

80. Ammunition - Switchfoot

79. Vonal Declosion – Stereolab

78. High Adventure – Alan Menken, Howard Ashman (Aladdin)

77. Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s

76. R U Mine? – Arctic Monkeys

75. Supersonic – Bad Religion

74. Man Up – Book of Mormon

73. Danny Boy – Frederic Weatherly

72. Violet Hill – Coldplay

71. Jack’s Lament – Danny Elfman

70. I Should Have Known – Foo Fighters

69. Take Me Out – Franz Ferdinand

68. Rusty Cage – Soundgarden

67. Shadowboxin’ – GZA

66. Skullcrusher Mountain – Jonathan Coulton

65. Dreamland – Julien K

64. Leave You Far Behind – Lunatic Calm

63. Blue Monday – Orgy

62. Sky Is the Limit – Rebelution

61. Everlong – Foo Fighters

60. Presto – Rush

59. Always Summer (Acoustic) – Yellowcard

58. Fire Woman – The Cult

57. It Ain’t Easy – 2Pac

56. CREAM – Wu-Tang Clan

55. Virginia Moon – Foo Fighters

54. Hot Cherie – Hardline

53. On the Rise (My Eyes) – Whedon Brothers, Maurissa Tancharoen (Dr. Horrible)

52. Tornado of Souls – Megadeth

51. Everything’s Alright / Heaven On Their Minds – Andrew Lloyd Webber (Jesus Christ Superstar)

50. Black Hole Sun – Soundgarden

49. Chosen One – A2 / Mona Lisa Overdrive (Shadow the Hedgehog)

48. Back Home (Acoustic) – Yellowcard

47. Un-Gravitify – Cashell (Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity)

46. Sweet Lips – Monaco

45. Time Hollow – Masanori Akita

44. Stars – Claude-Michel Schonberg, Alain Boublil (Les Miserables)

43. Kashmir – Led Zeppelin

42. Subterranean Homesick Alien – Radiohead

41. Smooth – Santana

40. TaISeTsuNaMoNo - Yumie Huwara (Phantasy Star Zero)

39. At Dawn – Jun Senoue (Sonic Adventure)

38. 18 and Life – Skid Row

37. Dreams Dreams – Tomoko Sasaki (NiGHTS Into Dreams)

36. Point / Counterpoint – Streetlight Manifesto

35. Awakening – Yellowcard

34. No Way Back – Foo Fighters

33. Mr. Brightside – The Killers

32. Supporting Me – Everett Bradley, Jun Senoue (Sonic Adventure 2)

31. Summer of 69 – Bryan Adams

30. Bohemian Rhapsody – Queen

29. South of Heaven – Slayer

28. Makes No Difference – Sum 41

27. Viridian City – John Loeffler, Jason Paige, Andre Betts (Pokemon)

26. Pokemon Theme Song – John Loeffler, Jason Paige (Pokemon)

25. Teknopathetic (e-Pop n’ Disco 80’s Mix) - Hideki Naganuma (Jet Set Radio Future)

24. Stargazer – Rainbow

23. Bad Taste Aquarium – Jun Senoue (Sonic Adventure)

22. Mission Street – Jun Senoue (Sonic Adventure 2)

21. Volare – Gipsy Kings

20. Roxanne – The Police

19. More Than a Feeling – Boston

18. Let It Go – Def Leppard

17. ‘Bout the City – Reps (Jet Set Radio)

16. Watch Me Fly – Crush 40

15. Get Lucky – Daft Punk

14. Touch – Daft Punk

13. Dreams of an Absolution – Lee Brotherton / Bentley Jones (Sonic ’06)

12. Dim – Dada

11. Hallowed Be Thy Name – Iron Maiden

10. נפלא פה – HaBiluim

9. Paranoid Android – Radiohead

8. Escape From The City – Jun Senoue, Ted Poley (Sonic Adventure 2)

7. Fly by Night – Rush

6. Rope – Foo Fighters

5. Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin

4. At The Sound of the Demon Bell – Mercyful Fate

3. Question – System of a Down

2. A Matter of Time – Foo Fighters

1. Peace of Mind – Boston

Angel Beats: Additional Comments

I remember, once, liking Angel Beats. Mind you, this was back in middle school when I was innocent and impressionable, thinking that anything that looked deep and complex was, in fact, deep and complex. And to be fair, there was a lot about Angel Beats that, on the surface, looked cool. A dark and edgy story-line about passed-away teenagers fighting against the afterlife to retain their quasi-existence? Cool! Yes, I remember enjoying it quite a bit, but it had been so long since I had actually watched the show that I wanted to go back and figure out exactly why Angel Beats was so good, at least at the time.

And the first few minutes of Angel Beats were honestly really cool. I was hooked from the first opening shot. The air of mystery and disorientation was awesome - even if the dialogue between Otonashi and Yuri was completely lifeless, I was willing to overlook that. Even when Kanade said "there are no hospitals because nobody gets sick here" and the following scene showed Otonashi lying in what was clearly a hospital bed, I was willing to overlook that. Even when the dark, brooding atmosphere of the first two or three minutes quickly turned to unfunny slapstick, I was willing to--

At the exact moment Otonashi woke up in the hospital and got the shit beaten out of him by that guy (Noda or something?), I remembered something. I'd unearthed a memory of sorts, to tell you the truth; it was a memory I'd suppressed for a long time, only to be fully realized at the exact moment Otonashi got the shit beaten out of him.

This show sucks.

It's not even "Otonashi gets the shit beaten out of him" that bugged me. It was the execution that bugged me. After the precious few minutes of exposition that set this show up as a possibly mysterious, dark show full of opaque mythology and tense action, the show discards those few minutes and turned Angel Beats into a wacky comic opera, full of slapstick, shouting (an uncomfortable amount of shouting), and characters acting like idiots for the sake of comedy. This tonal imbalance became a problem the series never shook off; when Angel Beats gets dark, it gets dark fast, and then it just as quickly falls back on wacky gags and farcical action, as if it never happened at all. Couple that in with the mind-shattering plot holes and questionably bland characters, the whole thing felt like a rip-off of itself.

To sum everything up...

STORY

Fuck, what was the plot? Angel Beats' "story" was all over the place. Stuff happens, and the only connecting link between "stuff that happens here" and "stuff that happens there" is the episodic structure. The plot, on the surface, is easy to follow: "A group of teenagers don't want to pass on from purgatory; they wind up doing so." But it's the way they get from Point A to Point B that made the story confusing as all hell. "Otonashi knows first aid despite having never been to college, let alone med school." Okay? "Otonashi's heart saved Kanade from a heart transplant, but she wound up in the afterlife before him." Huh? "A computer software system that alters reality." What?!

You know that phrase? "Throw crap at the wall and see what sticks"? Yeah. That's the best way I can summarize the story of Angel Beats.

ANIMATION AND DESIGN

One thing that I will give Angel Beats - it looks good. Like, really good. Some of the visual direction is top-notch, and there are individual shots that are absolute killers.

The problem, however, is that the animation is not all that smooth. The series is well-drawn, yes, but it is not well-animated. A majority of the characters move stiffly on a constant basis, or sometimes they'll go horribly off-model; this wouldn't be so bad (because we are human, and prone to error), but these lapses in skill and judgment look especially terrible next to the lush backgrounds.

What is WITH the brown-haired guy's face?

There are exceptions. I have a feeling that the animators were smitten with Kanade and wanted to do the best possible job with her; it shows. In comparison to the stiff, out-of-sync Battlefront members, Kanade's movements are fluid and precise, especially in her fight scenes. The Shadows from Episode 11, despite being a complete narrative fuck-up and coming out of absolute nowhere, were also really effective bits of animation, threatening and creepy and vaguely mechanical. But, as a whole, Angel Beats is not well-animated, which makes the whole project look clumsy and cheap.

CHARACTERS

Lifeless. There's a grand total of twenty characters (Kanade, and the nineteen Battlefront members) and only three of them are ever truly important. This wouldn't be so bad if they had personality, but I'm afraid to say they don't. It's incredibly hard to care about the characters of Angel Beats for any considerable length of time: Otonashi is a stock "innocent young man with a heart of gold who learns about the world around him", Yuri is an annoying bitch with no discernible personality, and the rest of the Battlefront have no personality to speak of. They're agents of chaos, and you cannot use agents of chaos as characters. Only Kanade is even a little appealing, but that appeal fades away in the last four episodes when the story decides to focus on the far-inferior Yuri.

Just a handful of the "sympathetic, well-rounded" characters of Angel Beats lore.

The only truly appealing character, the soulful, soft-spoken Iwasawa, disappeared after Episode 3. And, weirdly, it was after her disappearance that the writing stumbled. What a coincidence.

MUSIC

I have nothing to say here. I remember kind of liking the J-pop song that opened up each episode; but by the end, I couldn't have hummed a single measure even if you put a gun to my head. The rest of the score is rote and disappointingly mediocre.

You'd think that in a show that featured a guitarist, it would have good music.

BEST LINE OF DIALOGUE

"Wanna die?" - Noda, Episode 1.

Best I could do. There's no other line in this entire series that stands out.

BEST INDIVIDUAL MOMENT OR SCENE

Iwasawa's backstory in Episode 3. Visually striking, effective, and didn't overstay its welcome, unlike the unimportant, out-of-place backstory of Naoi, the easily-discarded backstory of Hinata, or the stupidly melodramatic backstory of Yuri.

WORST INDIVIDUAL MOMENT OR SCENE

Too many to name, but I distinctly remember crying because of how panderingly stupid the classroom scenes in Episode 5 were. So, I'll pick one of those.

MOST PRETENTIOUS MOMENT

Yeah, "Reality-altering computer software" did it for me.

OVERALL EPISODIC SCORE

Episode 1 (5/10) - Strong opening quickly ruined by uninspired slapstick humor. World established effectively - this is the only time throughout the show that the sense of world-building is this strong.

Episode 2 (3/10) - Boring action scenes, uninteresting dialogue, poorly-written Yuri backstory, and the completely pointless inclusion of an elaborate manufacturing plant. Looks pretty, but it really isn't all that pretty.

Episode 3 (8/10) - Refreshing. Well-written, fluidly-paced, inspired. Resolves Iwasawa's character arc and opens up new threads for Kanade, Otonashi, and Yuri.

Episode 4 (4/10) - Nonsense. Pure, unadulterated nonsense.

Episode 5 (3/10) - Good exchanges between Otonashi and Kanade, saves this episode from being truly contemptible. The non-stop assault of unfunny, poorly-executed humor makes the majority of this episode more of an endurance test than anything.

Episode 6 (3/10) - Edgy.

Episode 7 (6/10) - Perfectly fine. Otonashi's backstory is good, if melodramatic. Confusing, out-of-nowhere humongous fish.

Episode 8 (4/10) - Good opening and ending ruined by a consistent twenty minutes of pure bullshit.

Episode 9 (3/10) - Awful, needless addition to Otonashi's backstory.

Episode 10 (5/10) - While sweet-natured and a relaxing break from the crushing darkness and plot holes of the last four episodes, Yui is annoying and didn't need an entire episode focused around her.

Episode 11 (2/10) - The Shadows are cool. Other than that? An all-time low for the series. Rushed as hell.

Episode 12 (4/10) - Profoundly deranged, like a sugar rush. Pleasurably surrealistic and campy, but it doesn't hide the absolutely horrendous narrative.

Episode 13 (1/10) - Holy cock.

And that'll about do it. Good evening, world.

(Never watching this again.)

Short Series: Angel Beats, Ep. 13 - "Graduation"

And just like that, Angel Beats has come to an end at last. To think I only began this project a little less than a week ago – it feels like it’s been an eternity. Let’s see if Episode 13 (“Graduation”) ends on a high note.

Our courage will pull us through.

Three days have passed since the events of Episode 12, and it opens with a shot of Yuri lying on a bed in the school’s infirmary. It’s worth nothing that Kanade said, in Episode 1, that there aren’t any in hospitals in Purgatory High School, but there have been multiple hospital and infirmary scenes throughout Angel Beats. Oops. Anyway, three days have passed, and Yuri, Otonashi, Kanade, Naoi, and Hinata are the only people left in the school. When asked about what happened to the others, Otonashi casually mentions that they’d already passed on, as if it was the easiest thing in the world. An entire cast of characters just disappear offscreen. They managed to find inner peace and fulfill their dreams completely offscreen. It was the Great Offscreen Vanishing. So long, characters with zero development, zero screen-time, and zero personality.

What fucking terrible writing. Even the voice actors sound mysteriously off in this episode, as if they're aware of how trivial and meaningless the goings-on are.

The Battlefront remnants have set up the gymnasium to make it look like a graduation ceremony, and there’s a lot of pointless nonsense and stupid comedy that goes on, and that actually takes up a large majority of the episode. Also, for some reason, Kanade is upbeat and showing emotion all of a sudden, because apparently three days is enough time to completely change your personality – GOD THIS WRITING SUCKS. If this sounds like an anticlimactic, out-of-the-blue nowhere ending, then you’re on the money, because not a damn thing has happened so far.

"The whole Ice Queen thing was an act" Would have been nice if you had IMPLIED THAT FROM THE VERY BEGINNING, OR IF YOU HAD KANADE SHOW ANY SORT OF EMOTION BEYOND FEAR BEFORE THIS EPISODE

Everybody passes on like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Naoi gives a tearful goodbye to Otonashi, aww so sweet, saying that what Otonashi did brought peace to Naoi’s heart. Okay. Whatever. Yuri apologizes to Kanade and gives a warm goodbye to Otonashi and Hinata, and then bam, she’s gone. Hinata also passes on after giving high-fiving Otonashi. Wait. I thought Hinata’s innermost desire was to atone for his baseball incident many years ago, when he caused his team to fail by flubbing a catch? Guess not! I guess he managed to shrug off that painfully traumatic event - the one that caused him to begin taking DRUGS – and say, “Eh, it was no big deal! Easy as brain surgery!”

Then comes the part where “Graduation” becomes awful, truly awful. The only people left are Otonashi and Kanade. Otonashi says that he wants Kanade to stay with him so that they can work together to help people pass on in the same way they helped the Battlefront. He then confesses his love for her, and Kanade sort of does the same thing in an indirect way, and then comes this:

“Kanade: My life was extended because of the beautiful, kind heart you gave me.”

What. The. Fuck.

In Otonashi’s past, he signed an organ donor card before he died. His heart apparently went to Kanade, who had a heart condition when she was alive.

What. The. Fuck. HOW?! If she survived some kind of illness using Otonashi’s donated heart, then HOW DID SHE END UP IN THE AFTERLIFE BEFORE HIM? They never explain how this works, or why this happened! This entire heart transplant thing served only to make Otonashi look like even more of a Jesus figure. Fucking obviously the girl he wound up falling in love with was the one he gave his heart to so many years ago. They could have removed this entirely and there would have been no problem, but instead this opens up a million brand-new plotholes!

Hold me close, Jesus.

JUST END ALREADY!

Kanade passes on, and only Otonashi is left behind, and it is not touching or heartbreaking or even slightly moving in the least.

The. End. What a horrendous ending, filled to the brim with all kinds of plot contrivances, retcons, and gaping narrative holes and gaffes - it makes the bullshit in material like Episode 12 and Episode 6 seem like a distant, unimportant memory. It didn't end on a high note; I had expected that. What I had not expected was for it to end on such a wildly awful note. It's an insult to the audience's intelligence and clarity, expecting us to believe that an entire cast of characters have no qualms about dying, or that the whole "heart transplant" story involving Kanade is anything less than pure, unadulterated bullshit that shouldn't have made it past the drawing board. After a long march of mediocrity, for it to end on such an abysmal, world-defying note is disheartening, but unsurprising.

Short Series: Angel Beats, Ep. 12: "Knockin' on Heaven's Door"

So whereas Episode 11 was shallow, plothole-ridden, and boring, it was foreshadowed that Angel Beats’ twelfth episode (“Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door”) would have something different.

And a new day will dawn, for those who stand long.

And yeah, that’s all I have. These opening paragraphs I have are getting shorter and shorter because Angel Beats is sending me further and further into virtual numbness. I think it broke me in some way. When I call Angel Beats a “short series”, I mean that literally, not figuratively. Figuratively, this has been a long, nightmarish slog, where I’ve had to suffer through some of the worst writing ever put to animation. And I want to point out something that I believe is crucially important: I do not begrudge anyone for liking Angel Beats. It’s one of the most popular Japanese-animated series out there, and I can see where its appeal lies. It just isn’t my thing, for many, many reasons, be it the horrid story or mono-dimensional characters or poorly-established universe.

Luckily for me, Episode 12 fails in an entirely new way: it’s balls-on-the-wall crazy, and it’s one of the series’ most entertaining twenty minutes for all the wrong reasons, and “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door” left me simultaneously empty and giddy. Don’t get me wrong – it’s fucking bad. The story – if I can deign to call it that – feels like pieces of Neon Genesis Evangelion and Earthbound put together in a blender, pissed on, and then cursed at for several hours, then left in the sun to rot. It’s total trash that tries to come off as “deep” and “complex” whereas, in actuality, it has the narrative depth of a shallow pond.

So let’s explain the absolutely crazy narrative that goes on in Episode 12. Naoi and Hinata have a fight in the opening scene because ha-ha, pointless and repetitive character drama is so rich. Otonashi decides to pay a visit to Girls Dead Monster, who have all decided to pass on. They say a goodbye to Otonashi and vanish. So long, bland characters with zero development, zero personality, and zero screen-time. You’ll be fucking missed. Oh, boy! It’s gonna be a good one tonight, huh?!

The entirety of the Battlefront join together, all of them spouting lines that I’m sure would have been badass and grand if I wasn’t busy shooting heroin through my veins. Using the power of teamwork, they start to beat up the shadows. Hey! That was easy! So much for the Shadows being threats! So long as you have the super power of teamwork, you can conquer anything! SONIC HEROES! There’s no scale or difficulty or tension in the Battlefront’s fight against the Shadows, but it’s okay because it’s full of action and excitement and dudes looking badass and muttering ominous, Bondian boasts while also proclaiming the occasional philosophical musing or comedic one-liner to keep the audience hooked. How forward-thinking Episode 12 is!

"Nobody cares about us, but we're still relevant!"

Meanwhile, we cut back to Yuri’s heroic, self-sacrificing mission to go do God knows what, which has taken her venturing into the depths of the Guild because I don’t know! She also meets Char and he passes on. So long, random guy with zero development, zero personality, and zero screen-time! You’ll be missed! Yuri then takes a moment to reflect on her actions, but then she’s absorbed by shadows! Oh no! What will happen to poor old Yuri?

It turns out that she became assimilated by shadows and woke up as an NPC! She’s soulless, but not entirely soulless, because she apparently has enough self-awareness and passion to stand up in the middle of the class and blurt out a speech about her life! Hm, where have I seen this before? A main protagonist becomes assimilated into a decisively grounded, happy world where everyone is living out their lives as average high school, where everyone is basically one? Oh, yeah! Neon Genesis Evangelion. What a clever (ripoff) reference! Clearly, I’ve underestimated Angel Beats’ pseudo-intellectual pretensions; this series isn’t above outright stealing shit from other shows!

Yuri wakes up and finds out that she hasn’t become an NPC, that the shadows somehow existed her body because of the power of her heart! She has a heartwarming reunion with Otonashi, Hinata, Kanade, and Naoi (HINT: THEY’RE THE ONLY IMPORTANT CHARACTERS LEFT, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T PICK UP ON IT YET), and then sets off to do her previous heroic, self-sacrificing mission, aided by the backup of her greatest friends, confidants, and allies, because the power of teamwork makes everything better! They have an absolutely electrifying fight scene against the Shadows, and Yuri discovers a sign called “Second Computer Room”, and she’s confronted by an NPC called the AI, who apparently has been running a lot of the AngelPlayer interfaces, which have the power to warp reality itself—

AUGH, FUCK THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT.

If everything else about the episode hasn’t sent you spiraling into pure misery, “reality-altering computer software” ought to do the trick. It’s my most favorite of all the “bad episodes” because of how deranged it is, but nothing excuses how genuinely ghastly the script is. There’s plot holes and contrivances and strange questions everywhere. How did nobody ever find out there was a Second Computer Room in the Guild, despite there being a very definite sign and guiding markers toward it? How long was Yuri inside the alternate-reality shadow world, and how the fuck did she manage to escape with her soul using the power of her heart? It was never implied this was possible beforehand, so why is it possible now? Magic? Fuck, man, I would have preferred “Otonashi and the gang fight robot ninjas” over this. And the entirety of the scene between Yuri and the AI who has taken control of AngelPlayer is just pure dicking around. If AngelPlayer has the ability to alter reality and give people powers, why has nobody other than Kanade used it? It seems like all you need is sufficient time and coding prowess, which someone like that Hacker kid was experienced in. But, no, that would have been too interesting for something as down-to-earth as Angel Beats.

Episode 12 is straight-up horrendous. The story is trite, the characters are annoying, the action is lifeless and the dialogue is especially horrible. “That's why I'll fight. I will continue to fight!” goes Yuri. “Blargh,” goes the blood coming out of my ears, “pshhh” goes the smoke roaring out of my brain. No, it’s not even a bad episode, it’s a bad everything. It’s rushed, chintzy, unintentionally confusing, poorly-written, and so divorced from anything before it that it barely seems to be a continuation of the same world at all, more like a terrible fanfiction writer’s wettest dream. But it’s entertaining trash. I was hooked from start to finish because of how utterly bizarre and trashy the entertainment at hand was, and its failure to make sense is a disarming yet charming seasoning. Maybe there’s actually something really good inside of Angel Beats, just out of sight.

Or maybe this fucking terrible show broke me at last.

It makes just as much sense in context.

Short Series: Angel Beats, Ep. 11 - "Change the World"

A lot needs to be said about Episode 11 (“Change the World”).

The episode begins with Otonashi butting in on a confrontation between Hinata and Naoi that proves to be pointless because they both want to do the same thing – help Otonashi succeed in his plans to help everyone pass on. It’s never told how Naoi figured out Otonashi’s plan. Was he secretly watching the exchange between Hinata and Yui at the end of “Goodbye Days”? Did he ask Kanade? I dunno, and I really shouldn’t care. Why should I? The writers clearly don’t. 

"Let's fight and fool the audience into believing we still matter!"

But the point is, Naoi has agreed to help out Otonashi, but before any of that can happen, the trio is attacked by what appears to be a horrifically deformed shadow constructed out of dark matters and Matrix code (seriously, when it explodes, it’s in a raining hail of zeroes and ones). They shoot it a bunch of times, and I actually really, really liked that shadow. It’s an effective bit of animation – vague enough to be mysterious, in design and in motivation, but specific enough to be dangerous. Yes, it comes out of nowhere, but I’m willing to overlook that.

 (Thank The Lord for that shadow. I basically wouldn’t have had anything nice to say about this episode had it not been for that shadow.)

One of Yuri’s espionage agents tells her about the events that just unfolded, and Yuri decides that these shadows are serious business and need to be considered “as a separate threat from Angel” (right, because Kanade had been a real pain in your ass the last couple of episodes, what with her saving you and all – ungrateful bastards). Yuri requests Kanade’s presence in the principal’s office, and it’s confirmed that Kanade has nothing to do with the shadows – she, in fact, has no idea where they came from. Naoi, luckily, covers for Otonashi when Kanade is about to spill the beans about her and Otonashi’s relationship. There’s an all-out fight scene between the Battlefront (Kanade included) and the Shadows, which are starting to multiply, and while it sure sounded nice on paper, this particular action setpiece is very underwhelming. The fighting is difficult to follow, and there’s no sense of scale, no sense of weight or power in any of the characters’ or shadows’ movements.

I'm as bored as you are, sweetheart.

They quickly figure out, however, that becoming assimilated by one of the shadows will turn you into an NPC, which sucks away your soul and traps you in purgatory forever. That’s fucking scary, and the last episode was a happy, hope-filled narrative about helping a young girl forget about her pain and achieve her dreams. Angel Beats has no sense of emotional scale. Ignoring that, the whole “being eaten by a shadow transforms you into a soulless NPC” idea is pretty creative.

Later that night, Yuri holds a mass Battlefront meeting in the school gymnasium, and announces that she has apparently figured out Otonashi’s plan to help everyone pass on from the afterlife. It’s never told how she figured this out, why she’s considering it all of a sudden, what instigated her sudden change of heart, but it’s not like treating the characters like plot devices hasn’t been done before in this trainwreck of a show. Otonashi is called to the stage to explain himself, and by the end, everyone is a little divided on how they should feel. Yuri tells them to figure it out and decide while they still have the luxury of time. We’re more than halfway through the episode, and apparently all of the Battlefront members make up their mind by the end of it. Because, you know, going along with a plan that completely and totally challenges your ideals and survivalist instincts is easy!

Yuri formally apologizes to Kanade and says she has to attend to something, something that may involve her confronting the shadows once more. Yuri’s epic, life-threatening journey leads her to… the school’s computer lab, where she meets a kindly custodian who’s been installing some new computers. This custodian explains that someone’s been breaking in and stealing a lot of these computers – Yuri suspects that the AngelPlayer software had something to do with the Shadows, and she believes that she can reprogram them, much like how Kanade programs her own skills like Harmonics and Hand Sonic. Okay. Yuri – the girl who couldn’t handle hacking into a computer in Episode 8 – has apparently gained incredible knowledge of the AngelPlayer system, how it works, how it functions and operates, within that short time frame, even though there were no signs of her ever figuring out how AngelPlayer works. What the fuck? That makes no sense. Why not just bring “Christ” – an intellectual, confirmed computer hacker – along with you? But no, they had to have Yuri go alone because it would be a “heroic sacrifice”, regardless of how illogical or stupid it was for her to go alone. I officially fucking hate Yuri.

She finds a secret passageway in the room leading into the Guild, because, augh, I don’t care. “Change the World” is rushed, rushed, rushed. It’s a writing trainwreck, forcing the characters to do incredibly inconsistent actions for the sake of “character development”, and far too eager to open up brand new plot holes on top of the already pre-established holes; couple in the fact that too many important things happen in too little time, and the whole episode is a narratively confusing and chaotic mess, probably because being busy and action-packed was more fun than being cogent or even remotely satisfying. There are small moments throughout the episode that are genuinely beautiful: the creepy design of the shadows, and a superficially beautiful sequence showcasing all of the characters’ unspoken feelings after Otonashi explains his plan (it would be truly beautiful if the show had developed any of these characters at all). But these are only brief moments of creativity and ambition, and after the almost uninterrupted joylessness of “Change the World”, I’m not excited to see what Angel Beats’ conclusion is going to be like.