Phantasy Star Online 2 The Animation

I like Phantasy Star. The series has kind of been with me my entire life thus far, and I hadn’t even intended for it to be that way. Back in the day, Phantasy Star Online was one of the first games I ever got for the SEGA Dreamcast, alongside Sonic Adventure, Jet Set Radio, and fucking Seaman (ughhhhhhhh); as I grew older and got an Xbox 360 (succumbing to the hype even though it was a trash system, because of the whole red ring thing and the fact that the controllers kept fucking breaking, burn in hell, Microsoft), I had a lot of fun playing Phantasy Star Universe. And when I owned a PSP for, like, a month, wouldn’t you know it, there was a Phantasy Star game there, too. It practically followed me everywhere; it was like a pleasant stalker. And even now, as a cynical young man, I really want to play Phantasy Star Online 2.

Well, I did. This show’s actually kinda fucking ruining it for me. There’s sell-out marketing and then there’s this. I would call PSO2 The Animation “cookie-cutter” or “vanilla”, but that’s not fair to either cookies or vanilla. “Bush-league”, maybe? Basically, this is a boring, bland, mediocre show that tries way too hard to pander to both weeaboos and people that enjoy Phantasy Star, creating a disconnect right in the middle in a way that isn’t pleasing for either parties. Like, in order to understand some of the terminology, beings, and things in the show, you need to have a functional understanding of what the hell Phantasy Star is all about. Newcomers are going to be confused; fans are going to either be bored or insulted. But mostly bored, because this show is fucking boring. A snoozefest. Ho-hum, dull as fucking dishwasher. Why is this series getting licensed for an English release but the game it’s based on… isn’t? SEGA has to be intentionally screwing with us. They have to be.

So the show opens with a really bad-looking fight between some people and waves upon waves of these creatures called “Darkers”. I’m not going to bother comparing these things to the ones in the video games because who cares? This fight looks and feels terrible. There’s no sense of scale, the colors are simultaneously way too bright and way too dark, and it’s all very overstimulating and awful-looking. 

It makes even less sense in motion.

This sequence lasts for about two minutes before we get to hear the awesomely generic and boring-sounding opening theme. Phantasy Star games always have great music, so it’s a pity to hear something so snore-inducing. Luckily, the music does get better later on, and I genuinely mean it; that’s one thing this cash grab has going for it.

So, a little backstory to this universe: in 2016, something called “Ether Particles” were discovered. Ether particles are apparently capable of high-speed data transmission. The Ether Particles are then used to create… the Internet. Can you imagine that? Before 2016, there was no internet. Imagine a 2015 without memes. No, scratch that. Imagine a world – our actual world – without memes. There’d be world peace. ISIS would surrender. The cures for cancer and AIDS would be discovered. College and health care would be free. There wouldn’t be any fucking anime. Just… bliss.

Our story takes place in 2027 in Japan and apparently everyone’s hooked on this game called “Phantasy Star Online 2.” GET IT? WINK WINK, NUDGE NUDGE? EVERYONE’S PLAYING IT AND SO SHOULD YOU! Just end my life. Our protagonist, Kirito (or something like that, they have the same damn hairstyle), attends a school called Seiga Academy. GET IT? SEIGA = SEGA, THE PEOPLE THAT MADE PHANTASY STAR? ISN’T THAT CLEVER?! Just split me in half. By the way, in the center of the school’s courtyard is an outline of Sonic the Hedgehog. I’m not even joking. Sonic the Hedgehog is the school mascot for this school. Do they show Sonic Sez episodes for PSAs? I’m really curious.

Kirito enters the school and is immediately accosted by a security guard, who reasonably asks for his ID card. Kirito spends a good minute or so looking for his ID card. This is riveting, by the way. During this epic exchange, we get to meet the Mary Sue self-insert fanfiction character, the Student Council President Izumi. Everybody at schools loves this girl – she’s an excellent athlete, liberal-minded, and incredibly intelligent, and revealed to be pretty good at Phantasy Star. No flaws, by the way. I wouldn’t be surprised if this girl manages to make ISIS surrender, manages to find the cures to cancer and AIDS, spearheads the revolution to make college and health care free. This girl’s pure masturbatory wish fulfillment.

Anybody that doesn't fall for her is gay. Even the girls!

Thankfully, though, she isn’t our protagonist. Our protagonist is the distinctly retarded Itsuki Tachibana, but you know what, I’m just gonna call him Kirito, because they look identical. He joins his friend, Bland Protagonist #2 and meets his other friend, Bland Protagonist #3, and sjgnsdfuogibngiobngse4gruippfzxcpzxcupbzu[xcbzu[[uxcb[izxcbxcbzxvbzxvbnzxcvnxgnDGJKOBNASG73GT0GHDlvmsdgjladngdasjvzc;zv x jxcvnxjbb,b,b,b,b,b,b,b,g,rg,asg,lgl,

Apologies. Fell asleep on my keyboard. Episode 1 moves fucking slow as all get out, and the following episodes don’t get any faster. If you’re expecting good pacing, tense circumstances, and an involving environment, you’re getting precious little of that here, folks. Episode 1 is apparently the first time Kirito has ever played PSO2, and the only reason he even considers playing it is because Izumi says it’s a requirement if he wants to join the Student Council. I shit you not, playing PSO2 is a requirement to join the fucking Student Council. This isn’t even pandering anymore, this is pure milking, this is quality testicle-fondling. A world where the requirement to be in a position of power is to play a video game. It’s pretty obvious that’s all they do. Even though the students all talk about how busy they are, all they do are sit and play PSO2.

The rest of the episode is pretty generic and beat-for-beat-forfucking-beat. Kirito plays PSO2, meets a giant fuckoff robot that’s actually Izumi’s avatar (SPOILERSSSSSSSSSTSTRSRSGSRGHSFIGADFNHJODGHJOPDGHKGKHF), and he’s really fucking good at the game, and it turns out he’s actually a model student with perfect attendance and a strikingly good work ethic, with a chipper can-do attitude to boot, and yadda yadda yadda, he and Izumi are basically cut from the same cloth.

And they fall in love, of course. Whom else would our protagonist date? A non-Mary Sue?

I’m gonna save you all some time – nothing happens in this show. The majority of the show is split between Kirito’s lifeless interactions at his school and his poorly-animated ventures through PSO2. There is a dramatic conflict of some sort going on – apparently students are mysteriously disappearing and there may be a link to PSO2, or something, and it all comes to head during the end, I don’t know, I was too busy being asleep.

The plot is boring and stupid. The pacing is terrible – it focuses way too much on the boring high school aspect of the show when it should be focusing on, well, Phantasy Star. It’s like calling a movie “Horses” and then spending 90% of the movie focusing on fucking dogs.

This is the second to last episode, btw. *ANGEL BEATS PTSD*

The fanservice is random and forced, and it has all the typical Japanese quirkiness that I’ve come to know and hate. Ha-ha-ha-ha, look at all these characters acting weird and quirky! Isn’t that funny?! The animation is shoddy, especially in the Phantasy Star world, where it becomes particularly choppy – almost none of the fights look good at all. There’s a budding romance between Izumi and Kirito that isn’t very entertaining to watch.

Simply put, this show isn’t good. It’s too boring yet way too hyperactive to engage the audience in any meaningful way, and it really doesn’t compare to the immeasurably superior video games. It’s gleefully retarded, but retarded all the same.

Maybe I’m being a little bit unkind. I kind of like Itsuki (Kirito)’s boundless enthusiasm – nothing seems to get this kid down, and he should be a breath of fresh air from all the edgy archetypes out there. But, the thing is, he’s too one-note and surface-level to really be engaging. Still, he’s sort of fun to watch from time to time, and, in that regard, he's actually better than Kirito, because Kirito's an edgy mess of razor blades and belt buckles. Itsuki's not a good character, mind you, but he's passable as far as protagonists go.

The other characters are bland, used as plot devices or fuel for fanservice, drama, or forced comedy.

The costume design is nice, but it’s all derived from Phantasy Star, so I can’t really praise the show for its original attire. Kudos to SEGA, in that case. I guess I can praise the show for capturing the feel of the game...? The show does become more about the game instead of the school later on, but again, unless you have the actual video games as a sort of guide for all the esoterica, then you won’t understand a fair deal of the Phantasy Star references and terminology. They explain some things, but not enough. There is something about the show’s random, scatterbrained pacing that makes it vaguely entertaining (from a brutally masochistic perspective, anyway) to watch. It’s kind of like a train-wreck. You can’t look away. But the difference between this show and trainwrecks? I laugh at trainwrecks.

There is one thing to note. There’s a mysterious (a few characters even call her exactly that) transfer student named Aika Suzuki and she is not Aika from Skies of Arcadia. This disappoints me. Thoroughly.

Also, there’s a trippy ass dance sequence involving rappies (basically chocobos, which are basically mutant Big Birds) that plays during the credits that’s incredibly weird and random and it’s my favorite part of the show because it just makes me wonder what hell’s going to look like. I imagine it would look something like this, honestly.